Chasing Isobel's Gold
by begood2me
Summary: This last night is hers. One last time. My answer to what Bella did the day Ren'ee came to take her to Florida...


**DISCLAIMER:WHEN I'M BORED I NEED SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH. I PROMISE TO LAWFULLY RETURN ALL OF STEPHENIE'S CHARS WHEN I'M DONE. **

**

* * *

**

My knees were a painful corkscrew of crimson from hours of kneeling by the window. But I had to watch. And wait. Finally, Ren'ee's car pulled out of the lot and I was past the worst. Nearly. At least now I didn't have to worry about leaving Forks. Because it wasn't going to Florida I was afraid of. It was the leaving that had me. I got up from the window. Looked around at the chaos that was my room, the aftershock of The Fight. Grabbed my notebook and a pencil on my way out of my room. Might as well do my english paper while I went to kill my dreams. At least any I had left. Because Charlie said I had to straighten up.

Charlie didn't protest as I stormed past him, mumbling that I was going for a walk. Residual effects of The Fight. I decided that I'd just lose myself in the memories one more time. One last night, and I'd seal away my heart. Hopefully I wouldn't shatter it in the process. After tonight, I wouldn't think of _him_ ever again. Forever and the tomorrows after. But tonight would be mine. One last time.

I found my feet carrying me forward. Walked right past a towering telephone pole covered in papers, the most predominant of which was a Missing Dog flyer. I didn't feel a shock as I felt my feet circling me around and leading me towards the forest. To the tree. The fallen tree that created a perfect haven with its sister tree slanted against it. Both covered in dappled aquamarine and checkered emerald moss. The same tree-bench that I'd rested at last year when I'd tried to figure out what Edward was, to sort out my thoughts. Thinking his name sent racks of physical, blinding pain scorching through my middle, and I found myself sitting on the cold, rough bark.

Once the perfect haven. Now the last escape.

Remebering my notebook and pencil, I began to write my paper on the responsibilities someone my age can take to reduce enviromental pollution. I didn't notice when it took a personal turn:

_You're happier without me._

_I've come to terms with that. Did you know? Though you wouldn't, because you're not here. But you're always here, in my mind. An illusory figure beyond reach._

_Maybe sometime, I'll talk to you. Maybe one day, I'll hear you. A voice of velvet and satin. My skin remembers your wintry touch and burns for it._

_You're happier without me. I was naive--so,so navie--to think I could ever keep you happy. Not **make** you happy, but keep you so._

_How could I ever try to do such an impossible task? How dare you lie, tell me I could? How could you say, 'we're forever'? Eternally so._

_Eternal.** Eternal.** A 3 syllable word that means forvever, where time is a powerless thing, robbed of all prominence._

_But what happens when our eternal ends? Because now I'll have to live out my eternal alone._

_Do you think it's easy knowing I'll live 'til I die? Or do you forget I exist already? I fade into the wallpaper, a whisper in the curtains._

_You say you're a creature of night, horrifying and deadly. But you radiate so much light, it spills onto everything you touch. Covered in your light._

_Yet you're like my own mythical Slovak Nelapsi. So strong and quick you massacred my entire world in a simple sentence. _

**_You're no good for me, Bella._**

_I'm not good enough for you? That's painful. Because it's true. You're intelligent and graceful and I watch your beauty strengthen with each day. And there I was. Stupid. And foolish. And slow. And awkward. And undeniably in love with you._

_But for you it was merely fascination. Hey, everybody needs their distractions. What I never acknowledge is that this was new for you too. You put yourself in a vulnerable place for me. This wasn't second nature to you._

_Running is. You told me that once last year. Feels like a million lives ago._

_So maybe you're running. From stupidness and foolishness and slowness and awkwardness. From me._

_Maybe you were running long before I knew. Too fast for me to ever catch up. I wish you would come back though. Kiss me like you did before. Set me on fire one last time. **Please.** This living is killing me. Come, take my mortality._

_This is more painful...because how dare you?!_

_But when you're done running, I'll still be here. At the beginning of it all. Our Genesis._

_A forever where time is a powerless thing robbed of all prominence. I hope to find you there. Intelligent and graceful and beautiful and strong. And I won't run._

_But you're happier without me. I've come to terms with that; did you know?_

I looked up as one large, crystalline tear fell onto the page. And that's when I saw her. Loose ringlets of dark hair held back by two scarlet ribbons. A red silk, long-sleeved, button-up blouse, a pleated plaid skirt, red knee-high socks. Delicate penny-loafers and a loose, plaid tie. Her heart-shaped face was scrunched up and and dark chocolate eyes let a sea of perfectly rounded tears escape over bright carmine cheeks.

The small, trembling hand of a seven or eight year-old held up a brilliant blue collar, a shining golden dog tag dangling.

Then a high, breathy voice mewed, "H-h-have you seen Max?" I didn't answer. Too lost in my own emotional suffering.

She hiccuped and another round of tears fell as she breathed, "Did you lose someone too?" I hadn't lost someone.

I'd lost a whole world, a blissful life, an entire family, a certain future, the truest of loves...

I felt immobile, etched in stone. Carved in a breakable glass. I suddenly felt her beside me. She was so quiet, so silent. Noone had been that quiet since...Well, I might as well gut myself: Edward.

I grabbed my middle, feeling the pain rocket through me. This hurt was bigger than me; it was taking over my body. It was alive in fantastic arrays of colors. Scorching reds, abrasive blues, and scalding yellows flashing and spiraling before my eyes like stars. I felt the brush of downy curls against my shoulder. A peppering of wetness against my skin.

"Max was a good boy," the little girl gasped. She seemed to choke out the words. "Wasn't afraid of the veta-tarian...stayed off the good furniture...didn't track in mud..."

I found myself putting a consoling arm around the little girl. Her body was shaking with her tears as she buried her head against my chest, clutching herself to me tightly. I'd promised I wouldn't cry. I felt the tears running freely. We held each other. Together in embrace, seperate in our own pains. Because losing Edward had brought out my inner child. I was afraid. And stupid. Foolish to think we could last. And now here I was, broken and shattered. Holding on to a little girl as if she was the last thing in this world I had. She was breaking down my defenses. Making me feel vulnerable.

After all I'd gone through, how foolish that this simple act had undone me. We sat there forever. Then I pulled away and whispered, "Time is a precious thing...like air...think you'll never run out...then it's too late. From now on you must... cherish all the time you have...just remember the good days with him...live _for_ him...without him...don't waste a single second of life..." My voice sounded strange and foreign. Like I was choking. Suffocating. I felt a tight hand around my throat. Squeezing. It was killing me.

Her tears stopped. Her ruddy cheeks lost their red tones and became more pink. Her full, pink bottom lip trembled as she spoke sweetly, "I used to play in a pile of leaves with Max. Usually during this season." She sniffled, and then her eyes brightened as she said, "I know we can't spend our lives chasing leaves. But let's try."

I didn't comprehend what she was saying until she hopped off the tree and solemnly began throwing the litter of September leaves high above her head. Her face was blank as the elaborate parade of leaves fell around her. Oranges and reds and browns and golds. Gold. Like his eyes. Edward's sweet singing filled my head as I got up shakily and began tossing leaves in the air. Watching them flutter down. The moonlight seemed golden, casting the same shade of color over everything. Seemed to make the leaves sparkle with it. Serenely, we both jumped up at the leaves. Reaching them before they could start their slow plummet back to the wet earth. Throwing them back up. Chasing gold. Then came the voices.

A brisk, male voice called, "Isobel?! Isobel, where are you?!" Then a frantic, maternal voice pealed, "Sweetheart, we know you're upset about Max! Just come home, we love you!" Was this what Ren'ee and Charlie had been trying to say?

The little girl squeezed my hand and grinned shyly at me. Blushed. Then she was gone... I awoke with a start. The cool caress of the rain and the hard bark against my back had made me think _he_ was here. I quickly sat up. My head spinning. Disturbed leaves were littered all around me. I knew sooner or later I would have to go home, face the promise I'd made earlier; forever and the tomorrows after, remember? But for now, I reveled in the uplifted spirits that radiated through my skin. I felt my spirits soaring up with the leaves I threw in the air. Golden.

Was that a dog collar shining over there? Was that a loose, plaid tie blowing in the wind?

I saw my notebook in the mud, still opened. And scrawled in big, curly handwriting not my own were two lines:

_I loved Max and I know you loved and maybe lost someone too. __And the truth is that maybe we're all just a bunch of kids lookin' to find out what love is._

_From one friend to another, Isobel. _


End file.
